Today is hard…

Today is hard, because yesterday was wonderful. Today is hard, because tomorrow is in front of me like a big, dark cloud.

I have no idea who is really reading this blog, but I do hear from many folks who say that they do. We’ve tried to keep it upbeat through this process, but maybe that’s not fair. Cancer sucks. Every day is not going to be good…

I woke up yesterday with a pretty clear mind and spent the day sorting through paperwork, organizing bills and trying to “get a grip” on this whole process logistically. Basic stuff, like “how much is this really going to cost me each time I go to the hospital”?? I had this whole idea that maybe I should delay treatments for a while – maybe it made sense “financially” to wait until the first of the year? I called my insurance company (always a joy), and all the “helpful contacts from MDA” with lists of questions for each of them – it was suddenly so important for me to know specifics –– Reality is that my insurance is fine and there is no logical reason financially to wait… but really I was only desperately looking for a “way out”.

There is so much that I don’t know about what’s about to happen to me and it all starts tomorrow - any idea that I might have some control over this process will be gone when I check in tomorrow morning. OK – that may sound a little melodramatic, even for me… but hey, this is MY blog! J

The truth is.. that IS how it feels - like I’ve lost all control. I don’t want any of this… I don’t want cancer, or doctors, or even medicine.

Tomorrow they will insert a long catheter into my vein with a “quick connect” that will stay in place for the next six months. The good news is that they won’t have to continually be looking for a vein to draw blood or for an IV – just go right in through the connection. I’ll be at the hospital from 9am until after 7pm - from 3:30 on I’ll be juicing up on chemo, and will leave with a pump that will continue for two days. I go back on Sunday to have the pump removed and then wait two weeks to do it all over again.

Frankly the whole idea is so foreign and freaky that I couldn’t even sleep last night and I sat and cried with my morning coffee. I know that sounds horribly full of self-pity.. but that’s not really accurate either. I just needed to cry.

I am so very thankful for a huge, wonderful support group. I know that cancer research has come a very long way and that there are many of YOU who are survivors and have already been through this whole process.

I guess I just had to have my moment - To let all my loved ones know that they are needed and appreciated… especially on days like today.

Mucho love,
Sia