A Day in the LIfe...

OK... frustration won a battle... but ...

I am a strong, independent (ok - really hard-headed) woman. I don't like to be the victim, or to feel needy. I've prided myself in handling my own business and have joked more than once that "the greatest gift God ever gave me was a rubber butt... because when I hit the bottom, I bounce"!

Loss of control and independence has been the hardest issue for me to deal with. I certainly do appreciate having so many loved ones to help me through this, especially as I admit that I really DO need help. I have tried not to take anyone for granted, or to misuse any one's kindness, and since there have been so many wonderfully thoughtful friends and family members, I have given much thought to "distributing the work load" - and accepting help when I really needed it, while still trying to manage as much as I am able. I only want to ask for help if it's something that I can't do myself! (like a stubborn 3-year old!)

The Infusion unit added an extention to my CVC so that I can flush my own line daily and I've finally figured out how to take my own shower and wash my hair without getting my bandages wet. This week I was determined that I would disconnect the pump and flush the lines myself..

The pump runs for approximately 46 hours and then when it is empty, an alarm goes off and you have 15-30 minutes to disconnect and flush the line or you run the risk of a blood clot. Last time we had to make a mad dash to MD Anderson because we couldn't get the cap reconnected. So Gordon and I both took a class and I really felt ready for the challenge - No need for Gordon to miss work just to disconnect the pump!

I was completely relaxed and confident... I had all my supplies ready to go and was prepared to take a shower as soon as I was free of the pump. It had been three days since I washed my hair, so I was "feeling the need"!

Suddenly the alarm goes off - Seemed to be a couple of hours early.. but I looked and sure enough, the pump was empty. I followed the instruction card explicitly.. until it came time to "disconnect the tubing". I knew exactly where it was supposed to turn.. and tried EVERYTHING! I turned until my fingers were red, but could NOT get it disconnected! AHHHHHH... So still in my pj's... dirty hair, no make up.. jump in the car for the 45 min. trip to MD Anderson AGAIN!!

That was a very long trip ... and to say that I was frustrated is probably the overstatement of the year. I was literally in tears driving to the hospital ... going over and over again what I could possibly be doing wrong. My sense of independence was truly shattered!

As I watched the nurse twist the connection loose, I couldn't help but blurt out in my frustration... "Why couldn't I do it myself??"

"Oxyplatin." was her reply. "It's a common problem with that type of chemo. Your fingers are just too sensitive."

So... as my own limitations stare me in the face, I'll have to let oxyplatin win that one. It is, after all, just one battle and I'm in it to win the war.