I went to Gordon’s office party for the holidays this past weekend. It was a lot of fun – good food and great people. One of his associates that I have met before came to our table and asked, “so how have you been??”
“Doing pretty good”, was my reply with a smile.
Gordon leaned over and whispered, “Well done.. he doesn’t know about your condition.”
Well, first of all, I am very thankful that I don’t have to walk around with a blinking name tag that says “I have cancer”! Although I have to admit that “condition” made me think about a secret pregnancy or something! Still I do know that cancer is not the best subject for a holiday dinner party! And I was very thankful that the gentlemen did not know.
Some folks ARE concerned about my actual physical condition.. (imagine that – you are not just reading my blog because of my keen sense of humor). I haven’t really been very specific lately, so for those inquiring minds… here’s some more details (we must warn you that the following contains graphic scenes… just kidding!) Also, I figured this would help defray any condition discussions should I meet any of you at a holiday party!!
Well, it’s not something that ANYONE likes to talk about,…but I am still having problems with a simple bowel movement… no such thing as “simple”! Now that might not seem like such a big deal – but believe me IT IS! (and please no “full of crap” jokes!) I was very fortunate in the location of the tumor because they did not have to remove the lower end where the muscles do their job - that could have meant a permanent colostomy bag and would have been a SERIOUS BUMMER!! Still the newly arranged “sleeker” model colon has not quite adjusted. So if I make frequent trips to the ladies room and spend long sessions there.. don’t send out the Saint Bernards!
Of course, the biggest issue is side effects of the chemo. While there is nothing horrific about what I am experiencing, there is a great deal of anxiety about how the effects will escalate as treatment continues. I have mentioned the issue with sensitivity to touch and cold…I believe that condition is called myopathy.
There are neurological effects that are frightening as well – loss of memory (I think :-) )
I have noticed that there are times when my mouth and my brain are not quite coordinated (okay – stop laughing…) Seriously, I will know what I want to say and it just doesn’t seem to come out as quickly as it should. It may not be very noticeable to others yet, but causes me a bit of concern and frustration.
And there’s the thing about being clumsy… I have started to have a hard time gripping things and have dropped several things including my toothbrush in the toilet! It actually feels like I’m holding it and it just falls out… a very surreal sensation like watching yourself in slow motion in a spiderman movie action scene.
Now at this point everyone who knows me very well must be questioning why I would be upset… I am describing myself as I have pretty much always been – clumsy, forgetful, and full of ****! Perhaps that is one reason why I am sensitive to the problems getting worse. I have been assured that the problems WILL get worse.
The good news is that the conditions should be temporary and go away once treatment is completed and the chemo stops. Now that would be fantastic… I’m just wondering, if it’s like those who have lost their hair and it comes back curly and blonde… If so, then I’m looking forward to remembering birthdays and taking salsa lessons!
Much love,
Sia
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